Day 14: Amaka

Wheeww! I have never had a review for any year written down. I always do the review of the year in my head and just keep the score sheet in my heart. I am not much of a writer so I apologise in advance if my thoughts are not organized but I promise to be as coherent as possible.

This year has been one of learning and discoveries for me. In January, I felt I was emerging out of this black hole I had been in for so long. My head had been underwater but unlike John Legend, I wasn’t breathing fine. I was suffocating. I was choking to death and I had to come up for air. I had just gotten into a relationship in December and because I had been single for a while, I was determined to make this one work. He seemed nice, I mean everybody said so and I became more determined to make the relationship a success.

Work was going on well but killing me slowly at the same time. Try living on the mainland and working a full time and part time job on the island. In between, I still saw my private clients in their homes, churches, offices and wherever else they wanted. I was also taking advanced cake decorating classes. I had no time for myself, I woke up tired and went to bed tired. I told myself this was the pain I would endure in the beginning so I could benefit from the future gain. I only needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing, that I was on the right path and that it would be alright but there was no one. My parents didn’t understand why I had to work so hard.

The fights between my mom and I started again. The same reason we always fought: Marriage. My mom would shout. My aunties would talk. They could not understand why I felt the need to have two jobs and go to a baking school and basically devote myself to work instead of me to be looking pretty and trying to get a man who would marry me. I was getting old, they said, and I should be bothered that my 19 year old neighbor and my 22 year old cousin were getting married while I, in all of my 27 years, had not brought a man home. Yeah, I should have been be bothered. They could not understand why I felt the need to start my building project when I had not gotten married. I was told that “making money and building houses is not the most important thing. Get a man and he will do that for you”. I woke up depressed, went to work depressed, got home depressed and went to bed depressed. I had a permanent scowl on my face. Husband. Marriage. It became the central theme of my life. It was as if they wanted me to stop living until I got a man. It didn’t matter what kind of man it was, just get a man.

In July, I and two of my colleagues got into trouble at work. I honestly thought it was the end. I was expecting my sack letter/email. We were placed on suspension. I went home and started applying for a new job. Three weeks later, I got recalled back to work while my other two colleagues were sacked. Why I was not sacked, I could never tell but I was grateful. In those three weeks I was at home, I realized that getting a job in Lagos is not beans.

In the midst of this, my younger sister took ill. Seizures. Slurred speech. Blackouts. We didn’t know what was going on. We didn’t understand it. Hospitals. Tests. Then the diagnosis came. Epilepsy. What? Where? When? How did a perfectly healthy young woman get epilepsy? The seizures were bad. It came without warning.  It came at anytime and anywhere. Someone had to be with her constantly. She quit her job. She became a shadow of herself. The drugs were not working. The seizures became more frequent. We changed tactics. Started going from one church to the other,  one deliverance session to the other yet, no improvement. We went back to hospitals. Met a doctor who introduced us to another doctor who showed us a drug that was expensive as heck but it had positive reviews so we opted to try it out. We had no choice. We were desperate. And then the seizures started reducing, from about 10 in a day to two times, and then once. Presently, she has not had any seizures for two weeks now. Baby girl is slowly but surely getting better and for that, I am extremely grateful.

My relationship that was determined to make a success was failing. We were fighting almost every day. We fought about everything. In my quest to succeed in this relationship, I had given up a large part of myself and compromised on a lot of my principles. Holding on would have been better but I knew letting go was for the best.

By the end of October, I fell into depression again.  I merely existed. I was just living from one day to the next without purpose. Called my building contractor and told him to stop work on the project. I thought of selling it. Maybe my folks were right. What was I doing building a house at my age? I would cry every time. My life felt like it had no meaning. Living had no essence for me. My clients were complaining. My boss was complaining. I could not be bothered to do my job well. I saw myself sliding down a dark hole and I had no idea what to do. I started streaming Joyce Meyer’s messages, listening to them day and night and little by little, my spirit began to open up like a rose petal. I decided to start counting my blessings instead of seeing my failures, to see how far I had come and even though I haven’t achieved much, it was better than nothing and although there are still some dark days, I am hopeful for a much better 2015.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

========================

Dear Amaka, life asked you some hard questions this year. I pray especially for your sister too. The emotional rollercoaster she’s going through has got to be immense. I pray you also find a career that brings out your talents and makes you happy. I’m totally glad you were able to put this on record because when you look back on this, it will be with thanksgiving. Be strong dear. Thank you for sharing.

highlandblue

I love to learn. I love to teach. For me the two are the same.

22 Comments

  • Adedayo says:

    This feels like a whole lot, but like Efe said, it’s good you took time to put it on record because when you look back it will be thanksgiving.Hugs

  • Clarion says:

    I hail your tenacity to keep going on. Life may not seem so fair, and it sometimes throws so much on one’s plate – so much so that at times giving up seems to be the best option. Keep you head up dear, it may not seem easy but don’t let your mum pressure you into marriage. You see how desperation makes you want to compromise? I wish our parents will learn to chill when it comes to the marriage issue. Seriously. I had to leave home when the pressure got too much. I didn’t get married till I was 29, and I’m glad I didn’t rush in or settle for just anyone.
    So, its a matter of time dear, the dark clouds will pass away and joy will come. And for your sister, I pray she gets better permanently.

  • I am inspired by your story Amaka.
    I am always in awe of those who can show the world their pain and tears, and then show them what God has done, can do and will do with them.
    I am glad that you are finding yourself again..and I am certain that your spirit will continue to bud and blossom.
    I pray your sister becomes stronger and healthier…she is a strong woman.

    I admire you for not putting your life on hold for a man, God sees your heart, your days are already pre-written and if a husband is meant for u, you will get married but it’s not an end in itself.
    God is working in you even in this season and all things are working for your good.
    I admire your strength of character..watch God work those flaws to beauty..
    #greater 2015 awaits for you.
    And 2014 isn’t over yet, it will end in a greater way for you.yes it will.

  • grea says:

    Wow! What a year you had. Hold on, keep listening to God’s word daily. Give all the support you can give to your sister, epilepsy is poorly understood and they are stigmatized. Hoping 2015 brings a laughter to your heart and peace on all sides.

  • 'Lade says:

    You have been tested on every side. Don’t worry. there is no other place to go but up. God is ever with you. Rejoice

  • Sol says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, Amaka. This filled me with a variety of emotions. Keep on dear. It all works out in the end. God’s got you.

  • Clarion says:

    I hail your tenacity to keep going on. Life may not seem so fair, and it sometimes throws so much on one’s plate – so much so that at times giving up seems to be the best option. Keep you head up dear, it may not seem easy but don’t let your mum pressure you into marriage. You see how desperation makes you want to compromise? I wish our parents will learn to chill when it comes to the marriage issue. Seriously. I had to leave home when the pressure got too much. I didn’t get married till I was 29, and I’m glad I didn’t rush in or settle for just anyone.
    So, its a matter of time dear, the dark clouds will pass away and joy will come. And for your sister, I pray she gets better permanently. Cheers.

  • Esangbedo Ofure says:

    You are blessed. Thank you so much for sharing

  • BishopAde says:

    You are never alone, God’s got you. Stay strong.

  • Loxie says:

    Dear Amaka,
    I am so proud of you for defining your life for YOU. There’s nothing wrong with having a house, keep your building project and all your projects going as much as your physical and financial strength can manage. Too many times, we are so focused on the next stage of life that we do not enjoy the current stage. Please enjoy your transition and make the most of it. I’ve realised that some projects require our physical strength and now that you have undivided attention, feel free to pursue them and all will finally add up line upon line. You will be fine. I am so glad to know that your sister is getting better. Just stay encouraged and please do not allow the pressure get to you. You are blessed. God will make this all work out for your good. This too (all these dark clouds), shall pass. (((Hug)))

  • Dekemisola says:

    My heart goes out to your sister. God will bless and keep her; He will make her crooked paths straight and shine amazing lights in her path.

    Wow! About marriage, keep going strong. Everything good will come. It is fantastic that you’re not putting your life on hold because of that. By all means, finish your building project. The right man will not be intimidated by it, rather he’d be super proud of you!

    God bless your hustle darling. And in everything you do, stay happy. Head up, shoulders high, keep moving.

    Lotsa love!

  • Racheal says:

    Reading your review stirred up different emotions within me because like Efe said, life asked me some tough questions this year as well, but when I wasn’t even expecting it, God, my knight in shining, heavenly armour showed up. That’s your story. I pray for healing and good health for your sister, peace of mind and strength for you. Everything good is here, God’s time to manifest them is just different from ours. God bless you and your hustle!

  • Zarina says:

    I admire your courage and the fact that you have taken a stand as to what happens in your life. Wow! You’ll soon be a landlord…..you go girl! 🙂

    Your sister shall be made whole again by the special grace of God. Keep praying and hoping and all things will fall into pleasant places. 2015 will be your best year yet…..have faith. Ciao!!!

  • Rosemary says:

    Happy 2015.

  • Chibogu says:

    We need more Amakas. Cheers to a wonderful 2015!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: