I had to go back to the last post I wrote here in 2016, and truly, no one knows tomorrow. It would be nice to catch up on all that has happened since then, but no one has the time for that, not even me. Lol.
Long and short, I fell into a dark place, and it affected so many aspects of my life- especially my health. It wasn’t until I was admitted to the hospital in September this year that I gave myself a reality check. More like a reality slap, to be honest. Lying there on the hospital bed one really painful night, I remember crying out, “why is all this happening to me? Why, Lord?”
And the response that came to my heart was “a cheerful heart does good, like medicine”.
I knew it was from the Bible book of Proverbs, but I couldn’t remember the chapter, so I looked it up.
Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) – “a merry heart doeth good, like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones”
Fam, it was a light bulb moment. You see, I had internalised all my failures and challenges so much, it was literally eating me up from the inside. I have always been a healthy person, hardly ever falling sick or needing to see a doctor. But in the last 3 years or so, it’s been one health issue or the other. I’ve been in and out of the hospital so much, I actually know my hospital number.
So when I got that word from the Bible, I saw how I had unwittingly worried myself sick. Obsessing about my seemingly lack of progress. Fretting about losing my business. Confused about my self identity- I didn’t want to be defined by my roles as a mother and wife or homemaker. I wanted much more out of life, and I was really mad that life wasn’t giving me what I wanted. It was many little things, and it was everything. My body was literally rebelling at all the mental stress I was putting it through. And for what? Fame, or wealth? Or satisfaction?
It was a lot of soul searching, and I have to admit that somewhere along the line, it had stopped being about doing what I enjoyed, and become about keeping up with the Johnsons. Or the Dangote’s , depending on what part of the world you’re in. There will always be bills to pay, and targets to achieve. But, must I kill myself in the process? Can’t I just enjoy life’s journey and challenges? Must I over-exert myself in the process? Beloved, the answer is “No”.
And so I have been deliberate about my battles. Deliberate in my pursuit of happiness. Deliberate about what I fret over, deliberate about giving God the first place in my decisions. And so far, so good. Am I satisfied with where I am in life? No, I’m not. I’ll be 36 in a few weeks, and I hoped to have achieved much more in life. But, am I going to give myself high blood pressure over it? Lol *sips cold malt*
Do I still have goals and dreams? Yes, I do. Big ones that keep me awake most nights with fear and excitement. But I’m no longer agonising over the how and when. I’m trusting God to come through, in the fullness of HIS time. I won’t lie and say it has been easy doing this, but I’m persisting. God safe me ☺
Starting 2019 with hopes- an opportunity I’ve wanted seems to have opened up for me, but I’m being super cautious about jumping in. Once bitten, forever shy, lol. Going to tentatively get back to making clothes, and starting a ready-to-wear line, God willing.
Also going to start off the online fashion classes I’ve wanted to do since forever. I love teaching, and since I closed down my business, I’ve missed it so much. I’ve done a few videos already, but I’ve managed to talk myself out of posting them because, “it’s not perfect/good enough” lol. Trusting God for the boldness to do so, amen.
This year, I started a couple of courses online, but bad network and ill health didn’t allow me flourish. I hope to do better in 2019. In general, I’m hopeful about 2019. I know a lot of challenges are coming for Nigeria and the world in general. But we go dey alright.
Merry Christmas and a blessed 2019.