In order to recap my 2018, I guess I must take you back to 2017 a little. For context, I suppose. On the surface I was living a pretty good life; good job, nice enough place, grownup person’s life schedule, no permanent man to stress me and a light sprinkling of lovers for a bit of spice. So why was I hyperventilating at work? Why did my heart skip several beats when I had to engage with people? Why was I taking breaks to go cry in the Ladies?? And why did I just feel so sad and frustrated??? Tired of all these millions of unanswerable questions, I took a bold (some might say foolish) step. I quit my job, moved to a new city and tried to figure out things for myself.
This year has broken me, helped me stand up, slapped me across the face (and not in the good way) and taught me how to simply be still. There have been numerous lows for me this year, but it’s funny how sometimes you need the dark clouds to be able to see the silver lining silhouetted against them. Looking back, I am almost certain that I would have had a mental breakdown, had I remained at my old job. Even though I have fallen down several times as far as my self-esteem and enthusiasm for life is concerned, I am alive, and still standing. My mantra for the year has been: “one day at a time, stay alive” and I guess I have done a great job because, well, here we are at the end of the year and shocker, I AM ALIVE.
Probably the worst part of the year for me was realizing that I had lost passion for pretty much everything. I have always romanticized the passion-driven life, so this was a bit of a rude shock for me. The road to rediscovering passion entails almost a childlike re-experiencing of several things, in order to figure out which ones bring excitement and naturally motivate one. Think of a person coming out of a coma and learning the names and meanings of words all over again, if you will. Progress has been slow, but I am learning to trust myself a bit more, building up my self-esteem slowly and sort of settling into myself.
So far, I am having fun working on several ideas and bits of nothing. I am excited to see if they will grow up into something by next year. I am confident that more ideas will come and I trust myself in advance to make the right decisions as to which ones to pursue more tenaciously than others. There is a comfort that comes from having ideas, no matter how seemingly small or personal they may be. Next year is a blank slate that I am actually looking forward to designing in my own image.
Somewhere in my head I realize that while being alive is a great goal, there is a lot more I should probably strive for rather than breathing and carrying out basic personal tasks.
Ultimately, I cannot say that 2018 was a good or a bad year for me. While I learned to listen to myself a little more and do what makes me happy, I also came a lot closer to the emptiness inside me than I have ever been. It’s been a scary 12 months but at the end of it all I AM ALIVE and proud of myself.
I’m raising my glass to 2019.