I wrote (paper and pen) a really long review about this year and typing it became an issue for me. I’m tired abeg. LOL. So, I’ll just summarize it here. It still might end up being long. I am going to categorize my year into topics; Education, Mental health, Friends, Social life, Weight, Love Life, NYSC and Conclusion.
I graduated this year – in October – but I wasn’t even excited. I knew I was graduating since January, but I couldn’t for the life of me, be excited. I felt a little relief, but it was always overthrown by fear of the unknown, the pressure I put on myself and the future. I kept thinking school had always felt like an escape from reality and now that it was ending, it meant that I had to face the reality of my shitty life, and I wasn’t ready for that. Anyway, this all led to the next topic of my 2019 but yes, I did graduate. I wanted to celebrate by having dinner with my friends and people who knew the struggle I went through, but I was certain no one will show up for me. Who cares, right? I graduated with my sweet sweet friends (who are wayyyyy younger than me) and they made the day bearable for me – in fact, the entire experience. Love them to death.
MENTAL HEALTH (Trigger warning)
It deteriorated right after my 26th birthday. Everything became doom and gloom for me. This was May. I thought about suicide constantly until August. I tried to attempt to end it two weeks before Mental Health Awareness Day. I didn’t go through with it because the drugs cost more than what I had at that moment. So, I bought Maryland cookies, went home and cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t even figure out my triggers. I just knew I was in a lot of pain, and I wanted it to stop. Fantasizing about death helped me sleep at night. Lade stepped in and made sure I went to the hospital. I did. I spoke to about 3 doctors for almost 4 hours and was diagnosed – severe depressive disorder with a moderate risk of suicide.
I was put on medication which surprisingly worked. I had more energy. I could fall asleep and sleep through the night. The panic attacks reduced and the crying randomly stopped. I wasn’t angry anymore or irritated. Anyway, I was put off meds early December and some symptoms came back. I had an appointment again but I missed it because I started work (NYSC). I have psychotherapy treatment in January though, so here’s hoping. I had to tell my folks. We haven’t addressed it. I don’t think they understand. On Christmas evening, I was in so much pain again that I couldn’t handle it. I really couldn’t. This time, I attempted to take my life and I passed out.
I woke up after 4 hours. LMAO. I haven’t felt better since then, but I’ve been occupied. Thank God for detty December and alcohol. I’m fine, really. Don’t panic. I can handle it. I’ll keep going to get help, not for me because I really don’t want to be here but for my family, I guess. I am also thankful I have Mariam, Lade and Gershom to talk about this with. I opened a burner IG to vent whenever I get a trigger that also helped me cope. And drinking. I should stop.
It was this year I discovered that because I felt a certain way towards someone didn’t mean it was mutual. I’m not talking about new “friends” but yes, it hurts when someone who is important to you doesn’t really give a fuck or watching your “friends” make plans without involving you LMAO or…meh I could go on. It’s also this year I received a ton of love and didn’t run away at the slightest bit of discomfort (Mariam ❤️). I learned to talk about issues and fix them and not ghost the friend – not like she’ll let me anyway. I still find it very hard to believe anyone loves me but I learned how to receive love this year. I am still a work in progress. My idea of love usually comes with pain and fights and emotional abuse, so when a friend shows me love without wanting anything in return or hurting me, it’s a little confusing for me (Tunji ❤️) (Gershom ❤️). In my head, I owe that person a huge ass debt because wait, love can be free? That’s not what I know. I’m learning to be a better friend and to accept some things can’t be mutual and not let it trigger me or hurt me. I’m learning to let disappointments go. Life is short uno. I am learning to be kinder and more loving and to be always there for my people. I do owe them!! (Otu and Kene, who were my escape in school – they didn’t let me be alone during my episodes – and took care of me like a baby. Note that they are five years younger but mahnnnn they were like my older protective brothers). Too many to mention, I love y’all.
You see, this is weird because I have mad social anxiety but I am always pushing myself to go out. Going out is a distraction. I enjoy when I’m with people but not many people have my time, so I’m kinda always alone. I had to go to places on my own and apart from the anxiety sweats, it wasn’t so bad. One time, I was out alone, and I was soooooo anxious and Tunji texted and I told him. Mans said, “get a drink” (I could only afford drink or food that day, and you know, food is life). He said to get drinks, so I could calm down. He paid for them, and it actually worked LMAO, but this fight with social anxiety, I will win it. And yes, I discovered this year that I actually enjoy going out. When I’m rich, you won’t find me in my house LMAO. I also stopped making plans with people because last year was filled with disappointment after cancellations. I’m not mad. I just stopped putting myself in that kind of position and so far so good. Mental space protected.
I started this year my biggest – 64kg. I had to buy new clothes. I was almost entering a 12. Anyway, I spent 65% of the year trying to lose weight (Diets, Intermittent fasting, Exercise, Cardio, Gym, Starvation and Portion control) at different times during the year. Sometimes consistently, other times meh. I went to 65kg, then to 62kg, then 60kg, then 61kg. Then, depression helped me get to 58kg. Now, I’m back at 62kg. I think it’s more now sha because I feel heavy. I will resume cardio soon. I hope I can keep up. I don’t like my weight or my body at the moment.
Pretty much non existent but I learned what I want in a relationship this year and what I don’t want. I have an idea of how I want to be loved and how I don’t want to be. I stayed away from relationships this year because of my former track record and how I viewed love. Apparently, I am attracted to pain, toxicity and inconsistency, and I’m trying to break that circle. I stayed away from sex too most of the year because
1. I use people as distractions and the easiest way is sex. I also used it as a painkiller and that wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t particularly enjoying it, but I needed the attention, so I knew that was bad, and I stopped. I had to face my own reality by force.
And 2. It blurs a lot of things and I wanted to be clear-sighted this year. Safe to say, it worked. Highly recommend. I also discovered that I’m not the hypersexual person I created or made myself believe I was so I could get by. I’m not at all. Yeah, so until I have my head in check properly, I’m staying away from commitment. It does get lonely, but it is needed. There is no need deceiving anyone or letting them deceive me. I’m open to friendships alone, and not the friendships where you think you’ll hit later o (People ehn. So shallow). Real friendships and networking. My love life is Grey’s Anatomy right now.
NYSC AND ABEBI
I was posted to Obubra, Cross River. I spent only nine days in camp because my platoon officer discovered my mental health history and made it her duty to make sure I was relocated. Camp wasn’t so bad, but I definitely wouldn’t do it again. I am working now. I redeployed to Lagos but got Ogun State instead. I want to do a ton of things career-wise, but I don’t have energy, mentally and physically. I’m always always tired. Me – miss energetic and creative feels so burnt out. It’s even affecting Abebi, and I don’t like it. I’ll get better in 2020, and I’ll get all that I want. We must make this money o. I just gotta rest small first. Also, for some reason, imposter syndrome dealt with me massively this year. I know I’m good at what I do but stillllll, sometimes, I feel like I don’t know shit, and I’m a fraud. Man, it’s not being easy. I know I need tons of therapy, and I’ll get it and get better in everything that I do – if the darkness doesn’t win first.
I don’t know how to rate this year. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t so good either and I wouldn’t do this year again. It did bring a lot of pain, but it brought some good too. I still don’t know what happiness truly entails, but maybe I’ll stop searching so hard for it. I just don’t want any pain anymore. I want my family to be good financially, and I just want an easy peasy life.
Don’t forget to shop Abebi for your skin and hair needs. (@abebiorganics on Instagram)
Thankful for the little miracles that came this year, but I want bigger! Anyway, I have a spreadsheet for work to finish. So, see you next year.
Love and Light.
Love comes in different forms and I pray you experience a lot more of it in 2020. I also know the light at the end of the tunnel will surprise with how bright it is when you get there. Thank you for sharing your summary version. I’ll be expecting the handwritten scan on my table on Friday by COB.