It’s the end of the year and here I am writing a review. This only means one thing. I SURVIVED.
When the Year decided to jump to warp (Star Trek), I barely noticed. I was busy trying to fix what was left of my faith and my beliefs. I kept asking myself random blasphemous questions and all I got was a resounding silence.
Towards the end of the previous year, tragedy struck and took with it my Sister. It wasn’t the sort that was expected neither was it anticipated. One minute, she was cheerful and playful, the next second she was gone. GONE
I don’t cry and I hardly grieve, I usually accept whatever life throws at me. Life pitched me a curveball and I couldn’t get a shot at it. I cried until I ran out of tears, I grieved till depression hit me. I had no one but myself not because I lacked a support system; I had to fall before I could stand. No one could help but myself.
At the turn of the New Year filled with anticipation and excitement, I was filled with a certain dread. What’s the whole point of our existence, when we can have it taken from us at a moments notice? We are born, we crawl, we walk, we cry, we talk, we learn, we love, we buy, we die; all to what end? Human existence seemed futile as questions were left unanswered. I wasn’t suicidal; I just didn’t see the need to struggle to have a life, which wasn’t mine to begin with.
I went through the motions; I didn’t see the need to bother my family who were beginning to worry about my mental state. Went to work, made new friends and I steadily got my groove back. Deep down, it wasn’t real and how long was I willing to hold the facade. Something has gotta give right?
And then it hit me, it felt like eureka moment. It certainly was. I didn’t know the answers. I felt it. I can’t even begin to explain it. My life changed and I loved it.
I finally figured who the most important person in my life is. And it is ME. No one else matters to a large extent. Our friends and family are an extension of who we are. Whatever action or decision I make, it has to be something I am comfortable with. I won’t do whatever it is because you want me to; I would do it because I want to. It might sound self-centered but then, aren’t we supposed to be self-centered in the first place?
We exist in a generation where we constantly seek the approval of people who do not matter and that is why we end up miserable and depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I value opinions, I listen to them but ultimately I don’t let it factor greatly into my decision making process.
I play nice, I work as hard as my body and soul can endure, I try to be truthful with the people I love and work with. Thus far, I have been a very happy individual.
I still have unanswered questions (we all do), I am comforted by the fact that all my questions cannot be answered. I have resolved to take it one step at a time.
*flashes the peace sign*
One step at a time is indeed the right way to do it.