Hello, everyone! It’s a wonderful day for a new post. The newest old husband in town (and all-round fabulous friend of Stories) Timi is back! Can you tell that we’re excited? Can you?? CAN YOU???
Now again he’s here to benevolently bestow the wisdom of the experienced upon us, so grab a seat on the mat at his feet, cross your legs and whip out your notepad and funny bone.
This is in response to youth restiveness, etc. These people are mounting pressure on me to write. The whole thing is not easy but who am I to say no?
I like to write about marriage. I don’t like telling lies so I write about my life. It’s a little hard for me to tell stories I can’t relate to, so I usually just stick with my own story. You guys don’t write your stories enough. I feel like many of you don’t like being laughed at.
Write people, write. How will people know your wife is planning to chase you out of marital home and start a powerful twitter hashtag to save your marriage if you don’t humble yourself and write it down in free flowing English? The pen is mightier than the sword, etc etc.
I’ve been married for three months. It’s not like I’ll write a post for every new month I’m married, but it’s just easy to write about this one. Twitter doesn’t allow me express myself so I allow everything cook for a month, then bring the wisdom here for you guys.
I learned after many months of marriage to my wife that she’s been chased by a cow once. She probably didn’t plan to share this one with me. I’m thinking it was after she listened to my very powerful but short sermon in our morning prayers, then in that moment of weakness, she opened up.
How didn’t it come up in all the discussions we had prior to the big day? How do you hide that kind of information from somebody you plan to marry? I mean, I opened up to Uche. I told her how I like my beans and how sometimes I like for her to mix small corn in my beans because I grew up in Ojo Lagos and as a baby, the Ewa Agoyin seller on my street raised me to like my beans like that.
I don’t want to go on and on about this. Those of you who know my wife know she wears glasses and she looks very harmless. It’s hard for me to imagine her running from cow in Enugu. Enugu cows don’t even like trouble. Sometimes I wake up early for work to understand this one before I start preparing to leave the house.
My wife has observed and told me in our family meeting that I don’t put food in her mouth anymore when we eat. I was putting food in her mouth when I did not know anything during courtship and allowing her share extra meat with me. After a while you start to learn that the woman doesn’t need your help and she can look after herself. She tells you to bring cold water from fridge but she won’t stop eating and wait for you. Woman ,we are not in Port Harcourt for process of counting bridge. We move! Now I send her once in a while when I want to catch up. As head of home, I can send her to go and check if we have fuel in the gen while eating, sometimes I can send her to check engine oil and she must go. Marriage is sweet.
Sometimes marriage shows you how wicked and selfish you are. I always thought I was a very selfless guy, fit to represent all of you in political office until I started eating with my wife. Our main challenge is the issue of sharing drinks. As somebody who is trained to make everybody safe and happy, I like to buy my wife her Fanta and buy my coke. I buy her 50cl Fanta, even though it’s against my faith as a “fitfam” member then buy my 50cl coke. I usually ask there at the counter, woman, do you want coke? And take her final “no” before I carry food to sit down and get to work.
While eating, you soon notice that my wife’s face has changed like she is passing through hell in the marriage. Woman, what do you want? She wants to drink small from my coke. Loool! Nobody can drink small from my coke ma. I will buy you another coke. I take my coke and Yoghurt like medicine. I have to drink it and finish it alone. You know how if you stop malaria prescription half way, you have to start the whole thing all over? That’s how I take my coke and yoghurt. I‘ve just learned about this very selfish aspect of my life. You people should pray for me. Why do I struggle to share common coke and yoghurt with somebody I drove that kind of long distance with my friends to go and marry? Na wa.
My wife likes me to give her first-hand information whenever I leave her presence or travel. This means I have to explain to her that I want to quickly touch the kitchen and from there I will go to the bedroom for few minutes before coming to the sitting room. Imagine how it’s not good for me to travel and not give her steady updates about the journey.
We are planning to install reliable GPS tracking system on our children. Personally I will seek Uche’s approval to install small immobiliser system on the children. The system will be small like sim card. In case I need to be controlling their movement in University with office Wi-Fi. They cannot give their mother one form of headache or the other.
Most of my write-ups don’t really emphasize how I’m a trouble maker. LOL, sometimes I feel like I have attitude problems and I lack “manner of approach”. Like On Sunday mornings when I get ready for church long before Uche. I start to move round the house reminding her that she cannot stop me from worshipping my God in spirit and truth instead of just helping her to prepare quickly like gentle man.
And sometimes, I sing little bit of violent songs with my deepest voice in the background when she is taking calls from men. Sometimes I just hum the song. This attitude is not good and I am exploring avenues for genuine change.
Children of God, I can’t even lie, I get very scared when I see all these news about young men getting other women pregnant and cheating (getting caught cheating). It’s like it’s too easy to get other women pregnant. They don’t even have to be ovulating and they don’t have any safe periods.
Truth is I think of all these people and their powerful wedding proposals and wedding ceremonies. I even think of many who know the Bible many times more than me, who at some time in their life have been many times more disciplined than me, and how they messed up their homes and just got woman pregnant. Ah! My stomach is paining me as I type this. I think we need a small support group so we can be advising ourselves before any of our team members will get somebody pregnant and all these 200level university students will just be advising us from queue where they are waiting to fetch water. This thing is scary. My stomach is still paining me. This world is mean. People who have been looking at your wife like she’s not very fine start telling you how she is finer than all the women in your vicinity once you get another woman pregnant. You people should be telling men that their wife is very fine. It will not kill anybody.
I don’t know a lot about these things but I think it helps to speak a lot with guys who have sworn in the name of their Barber not to cheat on their women. You guys can exchange tips like looking away from fine women on bill boards. There’s also the wisdom where you tell fine women to send broadcast messages if they have to chat to you via whatsapp or BBM etc.
Enough of sad gist, we move!
I met my wife’s colleagues once. I shook them with all the tea and bread I drank that morning to send them a message that I am ready to die on the line for this woman, then went to one corner to laugh with my Uche.
When you meet the people who work with your wife, don’t even be silly! Shake their hands until everybody’s bone is making noise kpra kpra kpra, even yours, to send them a message.
I’ve been throwing away a lot of pens lately. It’s probably a sign that I’m not cut out for too much academic pursuits. Uche grew up in an academic community. All the people she considers very successful are usually University Professors. She likes to hear I’m trying to publish material from my research in impact factor journals. Recently, I tried publishing and all the reviewers were just turning me down up and down. LOL! The whole thing was somehow. My wife would encourage me and tell me to try again, Oyibo man will turn me down. They will not even say they like how I’m thinking or that I tried something like that. Sometimes my inner motivator will just start to shout at me “Isaac Newton tried so many times, Thomas Edison failed so many times, blah blah blah!” My reply to my inner motivator is usually “Oga, will you keep quiet?”. Sometimes I just beg my inner motivator to leave me alone depending on his mood.
Oyibo people are very intelligent. Most times when I don’t want to feel bad about how I don’t know book like that or consider the possibility that my research paper may just be shallow I start to consider that maybe they don’t like Ijaw people.
I close with the very touching words of a philosopher we all respect so much “No Look Uche face” – Tu face. Most of you know I usually follow instructions but for 9 years I have looked Uche face and for three months I have been married to Uche. Best three months of my life.
Make no mistakes, we fight. I think of all the times when people have chatted to me and asked “how is wifey” and Uche and I would be engaged in serious warfare but I cannot tell you we are presently engaged in serious warfare. I usually just say Wifey is cool.
It’s great to be with someone who can quarrel with me and not raise her voice or insult me. The way we quarrel is usually rich with information. Nobody is allowed to insult anybody or anybody’s brother or hold anybody’s shirt. We ask deep questions a lot. It is why I thank God for all those years I spent studying logic textbooks and learning to debate. I usually come off the quarrel feeling very informed. Sometimes we even use all these deep info from “Uberfacts” and “quotable quotes” when we quarrel. She laughs when I say “I’m sorry, I will never do it again, it will never happen again IJN!”
My name is Timi.
We usually move.