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Coco (@CeceNoStockings) wrote!!!!!!!!!

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If you’re reading this, then I actually went ahead and sent it in *rme*

I’ve read all your highs and lows. I’ve ‘awww’ed and ‘lol’ed and ‘rme’d and just simply not really cared. I haven’t commented. But yeah. I’ve read them.

I don’t comment on posts anymore. Don’t know why. I just…stopped. At most, I ‘like’ it. This year, I found blogging again. I remembered why I loved to write, and I did. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost it again. I did, however ‘meet’ some really interesting people/writers.

I noticed everyone was thanking a group/list of friends they’ve made. Everyone I want to “shout out” to or thank has been covered. I’m just going to assume you all know yourselves. I’ve listed your names over and again. So much so that I worry you may have grown weary. But I love you all nonetheless. I can never adequately convey verbally how truly grateful I am for each and every one of you. 🙂

I’ve always had a lot of dreams. I’ve never really put much effort into pursuing them. I am a quitter. It’s not something, I’m proud of. It’s a problem..my problem.  Finishing things I start suddenly isn’t my strong suit anymore. This year, the gravity of just how terrible this is forcefully presented itself to me.

A lot of people think I’m brave because I went ahead and had a baby. Yeah. I’m not. I don’t really talk about it. But, God kinda made the decision of keeping her alive. I really didn’t have a choice. If you know what I mean. My heart breaks every time someone calls me brave. I’ve thought about giving her away several times simply because I felt like I couldn’t cope. Still do sometimes. I’ve even contemplated ending it all….I’m a coward. I know I am. It sucks lizard balls, but it’s true.

Do I regret keeping her? No. I love her. Truly. Deeply. She’s helped me learn.

I’ve learnt to put aside my pride and borrow money or take stuff from a store on credit or accept gifts/handouts.

I’ve learnt sacrifice. Making do without stuff I may want or need, or selling some stuff, so she has what she needs.

I’ve learnt to smile/laugh and say/type “I’m fine” even when I’m hurting inside. No one really cares, you see? When someone askes how you are or if you’re okay, they don’t want to hear about your problems. Even if they do, they probably have an ulterior motive.  Everyone has his/her own demons. We just want to hear/read “Fine.”. Well, ‘they’ do. Not me. I really care.

Humans feed off the misery of others. You complain/rant about your problems publicly, and people will laugh at you. Some might feign sympathy to gain favour to be redeemed at a later date. They will tag you ‘weak’ and move on. It’s unlikely that they will help you solve the problem. Unlikely, but possible.

I made friends this year. 🙂 I probably shouldn’t have, but I’m glad I did. I’ve had an excellent time picking the minds of really amazing, intelligent, and beautiful people. I’ve been encouraged and loved and prayed for, and, honestly, sometimes it all gets so overwhelming that I cry. But I never tell anyone, of course.

I was supposed to go back to school this year. A lot happened and I didn’t. I don’t want to go into all that because, like I said, you really don’t care. But we’re praying and hoping it happens soon. We’ll see what happens.

God is truly amazing. He’s the reason we’re here. He’s gotten me through the most difficult of times. Either directly or through someone in my life.

Telling you I almost committed suicide would be stupid, but I’m in the mood. You know? I’ve struggled with my condition for as long as I remember. It doesn’t help struggling to raise a baby practically by myself. But I’m still here. I’ll try my best to keep it that way.

I’m sorry I didn’t list my highs and lows like everyone else seemed to do. I told Efe I didn’t have any highs this year.

In retrospect, I guess I do. I’m 20. I’m single, out of school, and jobless with no steady source of income. I’ve had my hopes and expectations crushed so much this year, that I stopped expecting any good news, and I’m raising a baby. My princess 🙂 that’s my high. She’s all I could ask for. She’s beautiful, and the push I needed. Every time I look at her I’m gonna want to work harder, and that’s what I’ll do.

*raises glass of Ribena*

So, here’s to pushing forward, staying alive and 2012. Because there really is no point in crying over spilled milk. 🙂

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Like you said, only divine strength can be the reason we keep pushing on when we have every reason to stop. Amazing Grace

There’s a point crying over spilled Ribena though. The tears dilute the spilled Ribena, making it easier to mop up. 😐

So the very last post of this series will go up at noon, written by Wole. But before then, 4 awesome writers will be on here in a “Last Day of 2011” Countdown. Osama, Ife, Olatokunbo and Yemisi. Do not miss a single one.

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