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The only thing I remember about you is that we’re not together anymore

Tell your story, they say. Don’t let people narrate how you felt or what you went through, they say? But aren’t the best stories often told by a third person?

I try to write, but sometimes the words don’t come, instead they stay in my head and they torment me.

I finally called him after 4 years and the first thing he said was ‘I thought I told you to never to contact me again’ I had just only said whispered a ‘Hello’ in to the phone, and I knew he would never forget me even if he wanted to.

Life never goes as you plan, but God knows that I loved him and I know that he loved me but in a strange, unhealthy way. He said he had been hurt before, he said he trusted no one, he said had no heart but along the line he gave to me and I never realized. He said he had so much love to give and if I stayed long enough, I would get it all. All I had were promises of love I would get in future and still I stayed it. I wanted to fix him, I wanted to finally reap the ‘Love of my labor’. I depended on his little doses of love, just enough to think I had a chance to fix him. For over 3 years, I waited and battled for his love, and his love I got but I had waited for it for so long, when I got it I realized I deserved a love that did not keep me on a waiting list.

So I called him 4 years later, after everything was over. I needed badly to keep him in my memories, I did not want him to ever forget how he made me feel. I called him and of course he dint want to talk to me but he stayed on the phone, he listened to me and even called my name a few times (little joys). We spoke, no, I spoke to him (he dint say much) for 48 minutes, but the few things he said broke me.

I told him that I thought about him a lot, and that sometimes the memories become too much and it was never in the plan to hurt him. It was fine if he never wanted to talk to me again but tonight he had to, he had once meant the world to me. Then he asked how old I was now, and I accused him of not remembering anything about me anymore, and He said he had not forgotten how much I hurt him.

I asked him what it would take for him to talk to me again or at best, even forgive me, and he said ‘Only when I find someone, someone that makes me happy’

 

black heart

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