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January 1 2017

I wanted to be alone.

I worked the night shift on the 31st of December. Therefore, I pre-booked a room in my favourite hotel and took my luggage with me to work. Immediately after work, I gave my house keys to two of my friends who were looking for a place to stay for the holidays, and left for the train station. Somehow, I had forgotten that trains do not run on New Year’s Day. In addition, taking a taxi to the hotel would have cost a fortune. So, I had to make Plan B. I asked God for help, and then went on booking.com to cancel my first booking and make another in the nearest hotel/b and b.

That evening, I was not alone.

I spent the evening wrapped up in Christmas blankets in front of an authentic fireplace, watching movies on Netflix with two lovely ladies in a b and b. I ended up staying for a week with the amazing lady who owns the b and b.

 

December 1 2017

I do not want to be alone.

I guess I have been feeling this way for a while now but it has definitely become more intense and overwhelming over the past few weeks.

2017 has been a good year filled with all the kinds of things that happen in a typical year, and then some. I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for. We had a major health scare in my family but God showed up. I started a new job in a totally new place and I’m thankful that I have settled in quickly.

This post is supposed to be a review of 2017, but all I can think about is how being alone has been both a blessing and curse (in a sense) this year.

Like in June, when I had to spend two weeks in the little hospital room with two other people. The relief I felt when I escaped to the beach at 9.00pm and spent a few precious moments alone (see picture above).

Or in August, when waking up to two children jumping on my bed every morning for a month was the sweetest thing.

How much I missed them when I had to move in September to start a new job.

How I moved into a flat share for the very first time in years because I did not want to live alone.

How I’m hiding in my room now because I desperately need to be alone.

 

I am lonely.

It is that time of the year, I guess.

The leaves have long fallen off the trees and autumn said its last goodbyes. The first blanket of snow fell on the 30th of November and winter has officially come.

I feel like a tree without leaves in a cold winter storm. I know the sun is out there somewhere but I can neither see its light now feel its warmth.

I’m talking about a different kind of lonely.

Where I cannot remember what it feels like to be held.

The kind of lonely that drove me back to you and made me say things that I shouldn’t have.

Like ‘I love you’

How ironic that loneliness drove me to you and now keeps me away from you.

I guess I have grown in some way. I realise I am enough alone, or with people.

I do not care as much about other people’s opinions and do not need validation/approval like I used to.

I know that even when I am alone/lonely, God is with me, and He Knows, He cares.

And that “I don’t have to see to believe that He’s lifting me up on His shoulders” (For King and Country – shoulders)

Isn’t He aptly named Emmanuel?

All in all, it has been a great year. I got to visit and fall in love with Tel Aviv (picture above) and Jerusalem, paint my own piece of pottery, and fall in love with the ocean over and over again. My flatmate has become the younger sister I never had.

Today (Dec 30), I visited the same B and B and spent the day walking on the beach, alone. It seemed fitting to end the year in the same place I started it, and even though my toes are still frozen, I am reminded that the best things in life are free. Like the fact that she remembered my favourite biscuits.

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