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This was the year I found Hillsong worship, the year worship not only saved my faith but my life. So, bear with me as this piece gets littered with lines of certain songs that pulled me through the year.

January.

When all I had to offer was my worst, you saw my heavy heart and loved me first. Your beauty staring down my brokenness.

It was very cold. I was far away from home and that familiar comfort home carries with it. I had examinations to write, I had been struggling a lot with academics here, so there were so many doubts, tearful prayers, sleepless nights. In the midst of all these, I asked for a church, a community of people to call home. I didn’t know it then, but He heard me.

March.

My sin was great, your love was greater, what could separate us now.

He came through. He showed up for me. He made it known that he hears my heart even when it is uncertain. I found a fellowship. Friends who would still move to the ends of the earth for me. A community of people who challenged me to do more, write more, speak more and break forth. I gave my first spoken word performance as a result, a feat I never even thought possible.

June.

I can’t explain your heart, or dare to trace out all you are but when I think about the road you took for love, I know your grace will stay the path.

Darkness fell. I lost D. I survived. I’m still healing, but I survived.

July.

Fix my eyes on the unexpected, in the wonder of your shadow-step. And I won’t be afraid. In every way, you never fail. So have your way here God.

Can you have a midlife crisis when you have not even started living your best life? You see, at 20, I graduated university. I remember 21 too, 21 was tough but I laughed, bloomed and dare I say even danced with the wind (whatever that means). I can’t remember 22, it was buried under doubts and insecurities and now, I’m halfway through 23, still struggling for some semblance of clarity.

November.

The heavens are roaring, the praise of your glory, you are raised to life again.

I have returned home now, it is a quiet evening. My mother is sleeping next to me. We have just finished having one those conversations; those ones where she asks ‘who is your friend?’, her euphemism for ‘where are your suitors?’ My phone beeps and I see a mail from the university. It reads: ‘the awards and progression board of the university has awarded you the M.Sc. Biotechnology with Distinction, congratulations….’ The rest of the mail becomes a blur. See God!

God of salvation, you chased down my heart, through all of my failure and pride. You are the one who never leaves the one behind.

You see, I want to say this year disappointed me. I thought this was the year, I’d get my shit together, the year where it all came together, the year I finally figured what I want for myself, but here I am, still unsure, still fighting, still questioning. So, I want to say this year disappointed me, but if there’s anything I’ve learned. It is this; there’s life, so it’s never late. I’ll fight, breathe, search and keep living.

 

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