The year I thought would be EVERYTHING but ended kinda being ALMOST everything.
I have been at this PC for a few minutes and already deleted a couple of opening statements and that’s almost a glimpse into how my 2017 has been. A year of a lot of “second guessing”. The irony is that I always tell myself and people around me that you can never second guess yourself into anything great. I am the go-getter guy. Take the bull by the balls but many times I have had to ask myself is this really worth it?
It was just a haze through this month. I woke up every single day trying to find meaning in existence. I was literally having conflicts with myself about finding my place in the grand scheme of things. Life was good but (I felt) not to me. I was looking at my best folks moving up in life getting new jobs, getting married, settling down and all that. Imagine how it feels when your best friend is jetting all over the continent and subsequently across the world to deliver papers and all that but yet you feel you are stuck in a rut. You know this rut is no fault of yours but the system set up against you. You look at the state of medical training and medical practice in the country and you almost bemoan the day you decided to study medicine. January was a haze.
I was prepping for exams in my least favorite aspect of medical training and my favorite aspect of medical training, Pediatrics and Obs/Gyn respectively. The good part is that I had a good support system through this period. My friends are awesome. The bad part was I suffered severe bouts of anxiety in the days leading to the exams. In previous professional exams, I had always failed a paper and needed to write a re-sit and I know that I was way better than that. Failure never got to me but the mere thought of it gave me palpitations. To crown it all, reading for pediatrics gave me nightmares, literally. I am not a fan of little kids, not to talk of sick kids.
Guess what, I aced it. 2017 was finally beginning to look up.
How does it feel when you set a goal to learn a new language, a foreign language in 2017 and its December yet you cannot say “Hello” in said language. Haha! I never really thought it would be that hard to be self-taught in Spanish but here I am still struggling to string a sentence together. Send Help please.
My birth month. Nothing memorable happened here. I usually look forward to something phenomenal happening but it just came and went and I was not bothered. I was too far gone in being concerned about my ambitions and future plans to be bothered about something like a birthday. 8 is usually my lucky number being born on the 8th day of the 8th month.
Once again my anxiety returned with a shade of depression. I was home a lot between August and October and at some point my father had to call me to ask me what was wrong. He actually talked some sense into me and encouraged me about whatever trial I might be going through. One of the most important support systems in psychological battles is the family. We never know what battles the next person is facing and we ought to be more aware as individuals and as people to be able to be there for each other. 2017 exposed a lot of mental trauma people were battling with the down turn of economy especially in Nigeria. Can I say suicide rates went up? Or rather people became more aware of this issue. Once again, I am really thankful for my family and friends, I honestly don’t think I could have made it without them.
I still don’t know how to let myself go emotionally. I internalize a lot. I don’t know how to express my emotions and this has hindered a lot of my relationships with people dear to me. I really wish I could be better.
I am actually leading people and touching more lives than I thought even with the little I do. People are actually looking up to me and the moment I realized that, I worked to be better. One of my 2017 highlight was when a guy walked up to me in Ilorin and said he has been looking forward to meeting me ever since he started following me online. In my head I was like “who am I?”
People will always piss you off and the onus is on you to manage such situations without losing your hat. I might have failed a few times but I certainly grew.
I am thankful for all the applications that I put in and got turned down. I am thankful for the one application that eventually got accepted but I couldn’t travel because of work.
I am thankful for the various learning opportunities in photography and travel that I had this year.
I am thankful for my blog. I started this because I travel a lot and even though I hate travelling I decided to use this opportunity to document my travels and tell a story. I honestly don’t know where this will lead but I have a very good feeling.
I am thankful for my younger brother and the man he is becoming.
I honestly don’t know what 2018 will bring but I have a feeling it will be great and in the immortal words of 21st century poet, Justin Timberlake, Can’t Stop the Feeling!!!