2013. The Year of Enlightenment. Around this time in 2012, that’s what You said it would be. No, let me rephrase that. That’s what we agreed it would be. And it started off so well. But doesn’t it always? What happened? Where did I screw up? What went wrong?
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, was it? It wasn’t supposed to feel this empty. Didn’t you want this for so long? Didn’t you think this was the answer? Didn’t you think getting all you wanted would make you happy?
Well why didn’t You stop me?
How could I? All I could do was let you have your way, and if you were wise, then, and only then would you finally see.
See what? That you want me to be 100% dependent on you? Why? Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? That the things my heart desired and got made me feel a little emptier inside?
Yes. But why do you think so?
Because I’m broken?
You are. But that’s not the answer.
Because I wanted the wrong things?
Because my motives were impure? Because You had bigger and better planned for me?
Exactly. And that’s what enlightenment was. I had to shift your focus. I had to avert your eyes. I had to change the way you thought. I had to prepare you for next year.
I thought I was going to be enlightened about the reason I’m here in the first place. I thought it would be made sooo much clearer.
You thought wrong.
There’s still so much uncertainty about the future.
Wait. And trust Me.
I’m thankful for all I got. But I want more. So much more.
But you’re not ready…
Yes I am. I keep telling you I am.
But you keep showing me you’re not. It’s in the way you react to certain situations solely out of pride. It’s in your indiscipline. It’s in your laziness. But make no mistakes. I’m not saying you’re not ready because you have flaws. No. I’m saying you’re not ready because you’re yet to hand those flaws over to me. You’re yet to totally depend on me and nobody else.
But that’s not how You made me.
I made you perfect for your assignment.
Then I’m letting go. It terrifies me, but I know it shouldn’t. Just do as You please.
As always, this year was a rollercoaster.
This year, I confronted my own brokenness like never before. I faced a lot of my demons. I may not have defeated them all, but I no longer act like ignoring them will just make them go away.
This year, I grew up. Nobody told me how hard it would be. But I’m glad it happened.
This year, I sunk to new lows. Not necessarily because I was at the lowest point ever in my life, but it just felt that way because I knew I should have known better AND done better.
This year, I lost my drive too many times. I was weak. I was tired. I was quitting. I couldn’t see the big picture.
But through it all, I’m thankful.
For music that kept me sane when I was on the edge.
For conversations that were a light in the dark tunnel. (Thank you Nugi, Wendy, Fei, Kelv, Tico, gbo gbo ti gbo)
For new friends. (See parenthesis above)
And I’m thankful for the lessons learned.
2014 is (almost) here. For the first time since I began getting “themes” for each year, it’s not the year “of” anything, it’s the year TO do something. It’s a verb. And I’m just as excited about it right now, as I was 2 months ago when you told me.
I can sense the weight of 2014 on my shoulders already. And until I wrote that last sentence, I was scared and worried I would screw things up. And then suddenly, I’m not.
Bring it on…
Now it all comes together. Now it makes sense. Now you feel like a brother.