So the term “unfinished business” just got real for Franque (@franque_521) this year…
When 2010 rolled to an end, I was left holding a skillet of unfinished business: I broke off my ‘engagement’ only to learn that I was getting a baby from that union.
Between then and the first quarter of 2011, I bounced about like my life was a pinball game. Like a subway, people came and people went, each touching my life and leaving a mark. I thought I knew what I sought, I hoped whatever it was I sought I would find. But when their time came they left, though not as anonymously as they came; they had names, they had faces, they gave of themselves and they took of me. Moulding, shaping, smoothening, leaving.
Then my son came, my one really bright spot in 2011, and I watched my life change again. I was a babyfather and thoughts of my boy never cease to bring a smile to my lips till this day – it never grows old. When things got really rough between his mother and me, I vowed that whatever else happened, I was going to be a good dad and teach him all he needs to know – as I learnt them myself for myself. Before then though, I had to go through a phase in my life, or at least cope with it. To help me cope I immersed myself in work.
In addition to flying, I had taken up writing. I buried myself in both things, drawing inspiration for one from the other, and strength to do the other from the one. One day I looked up and realised neither was exactly hugging back.
Together they made an awesome combination, both of them: writing was fun, flying was more fun, yet there was an emptiness, a cavern stretching deep into the core of my being, yawning and yearning to be bridged, to be filled.
Work presented me with opportunities to attempt to fill this void and I took them – with each aspect of my work-life came the women. I crawled in and out of bed with a few, and sat through movies with an even greater number. Each relationship was pursued with an earnest eagerness and catlike curiosity, each party searching for whatever it was they sought, and neither ever finding it. Soon enough with each one fires dimmed, the flames banked, something died or changed, and the cold stretch of emptiness returned.
I knew I should seek solace in my faith, I let myself be enfolded by soft warm flesh, wrapped in warm velvety smoothness – and they weren’t the saviour’s these embraces that engulfed me. Slowly, but surely I drifted from my faith, never losing it, just locking it away; pushing it farther and farther out of focus, quickly averting my gaze every time it popped up in my peripheral view.
Then I met two amazing women and everything fell into place. One is my anchor, the other my compass. Thanks to them I found my way and started a journey back to myself. It has been slow, and sometimes I even slide a few feet backwards or sideways. It has been a struggle and in some instances torturous, but from what I see, from how I feel, it has been worth it.
My family have always been there for me. They still are and I am thankful for them just as much as I am thankful to them. I am constantly making efforts to show them that I know, that I understand and that I appreciate.
Like most things in life, when you find your centre, things are put in better perspective and other aspects of life begin to fall into place, that is how it has been for me.
My baby mama got hitched, same as two others before her and so put paid to speculation about getting back together; the other ladies in my life got ditched, and so put paid to my philandering ways (okay, a work in progress).
I seek to make my peace with God, my fellow men and ultimately, myself.
So, in 2010 I lost my way and in 2011 I found a way, then I quickly lost myself. For the most part I walked about confused, ran around scared; I tried a lot of new stuff, did some unme things; I chased shadows and fought them too – my demons seemed that large. Now that I have found me again, I plan to stay on this path that has brought me here, resolutely trudging – the time for running around in circles has gone. These I plan to do as I run down 2011, I hope to keep at it as I wait for what 2012 brings with it.
Writing about this is the first step in that plan.
PS: 2012 is the year that I have decided to make an honest man of myself; it is the year when I will make conscious efforts to stay a two-woman man – no extras. I just hope that when they do read this, they will not both of them pack their bags and walk out of my life for if they do, then I may be well and truly lost.
I have wandered enough, I just want to come home.
I actually understand what I just read. This is a true young man’s tale. Thank you, Franque. Amy will be back on here tomorrow. Stick around 🙂