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My 2012

From the heights of laughter to the belly of tears, 2012 has been the year of the bitter pill with the sweet aftertaste. Let’s get to it, shall we? 🙂

What are you doing?
This has been the year of perpetual questioning from those relations, family friends, peers and cronies that happen to know what’s best for me, better than I ever can. They masqueraded their doubts as common sense, relaying their care and fears in the different ways they know best. Because in Nigeria if you are not working a regular job from 8am-6pm, you really are unemployed; never mind that as a programmer you’re likely working more hours and racking so much more of your brain.

Fortunately for me, my will and my self-esteem, I learnt a long time ago never to lose faith in myself regardless of other people’s opinions. And loving what I do every step of the way plus watching progress being made in leaps and bounds makes it really easy. This year I officially became an entrepreneur, and for that I am thankful.

Painful Tempering.
I learnt about caring for a sick loved one, with no-one to turn to but God and no one to talk to but family. I learnt more about being strong through trying times, putting up a stoic front when I’m a well of sorrow on the inside. And God came through in such an amazing way that I look back now and know that indeed, he doesn’t test us beyond our ability to hold on. God heals.

Hopeless Places.
I found love and lost love and found out I’d lost the definition of love that I’d clung to for as long as I remember. The love I’d always practiced and preached emphasized decisiveness and logic, it wasn’t the piles of jumbled up feelings and irrational behaviour I was experiencing. I discovered that contrary to what I’d always thought, I could get so incredibly vulnerable that I was willing to give myself away; that I was willing to compromise important principles just to make a man stay.

I felt the stab of rejection. Those nagging questions that are often hard to resolve: What did I do wrong? Why did he do this? Is this Karma?

“Impressionable
That’s the colour of my skin
It’s a dark shade of suspicion
The tan of the mistrust sun…

…I should take these shades off
Maybe the world would take on colour
Maybe I’m hanging upside down
And that frown is a smile

Instead I shut the door
And sit on the floor
And let the tears flow
Cuz I need to hold on to my pain…”

I kept on reliving hurtful memories until I decided it was enough.

I look back now, shake my head and ask, “What was I thinking?” I am gradually getting my act together, getting my head and heart back in sync. But I’m no longer as glib as I used to be about men and women who endure all sorts of things in the name of “love”. I guess I’ve grown up some more.

Friends 🙂
I didn’t give many people the chance to get close to me this year, but yes, I made a few new friends and I’m grateful for every single one of them and for my old friends. And then there’s him… He’s been a really wonderful friend even though we’ve both had to deal with sinusoidal emotions, desires, withdrawal, self interrogation and re-evaluation amongst other things; somehow he’s been there for me and I really am extremely grateful for our friendship.

Family There were so many times I had to shut everyone out except my family. They remain the greatest blessing God has given me; my earthly rock, they love and support me to pieces, and I love and support them too.

So now I make bold to say that through the fire and through the water, I made it on top with my faith in God and myself intact. And I really can’t wait for 2013. I know it’s gonna be a great year.

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