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For a whole week I’ve given Efe the run around because honestly I don’t want to talk about my year. It’s been hard. I read your posts and the task of putting my business out there like that with a twitter handle that is so well known is not something I’m brave enough to do so I shall hide in the comfortable glove of my blogger identity.

January:
Woke up with hopes, dreams and expectations
unrivaled
Till the realization that a new year doesn’t mean a new life
hit me
Fireworks are just bright lights
In the sky
Not my life
My life is still dark
Fuck me

February:
Month of love
Month of the day I was birthed
Month of bullshit
I wonder
if I had been born in March would my life be so much different?
Better?
I wonder
If I had not been born at all
I don’t wonder
My life would be better
. . .If I didn’t exist

March:
Hope
No not for me
For the earth
I gave up the burden of hope years ago
That shit was at least 20 pounds
Weighing me down
But, the earth
Springing forth flowers in spring
Fruiting trees and greening grass
Smells like hope
Looks like delusion
I got plenty of time to smell the roses
While living for one week in the park
Spring break and homeless
But the flowers did look nice

April:
Beautiful April
With the thick thighs and expert lips
Warm spring days,
My tongue in April’s warmth
Cold spring nights,
my boyfriend in me, cold
Falling into the rhythm of a relationship
Steady
Not happy
But steady

May:
Soft licks of the impending summer sun
Hard ass fuckings of finals
Happy
To be going home
To my family
The joy of knowing you’ll have food and shelter everyday for three months
That there are people who will love you
Call you their own
Even in torn clothes and matted hair
Sadness
Ending my steady relationship
Not happy but steady

June:
Still alive
Sadly
Making declarations
Sadly
Now celibate and natural
Happily
Reveling in the amazingness of doing nothing

July:
I met a guy
Who brings tears to my eyes
Happiness to my life
Lighting up my sky because he’s fireworks
With his soft words and caring heart
. . .Who lives in a different country
Fell in love . . .
I fell in love

August:
The joys of Joy
I watched him find his joy
It was like a dream
And it wasn’t even my wedding
Seeing a cousin you grew up with
Get married
Find his joy
Truly joyful
Like the beginning of new joy
Or maybe the end of Joy and freedom
Love is masochism

September:
New school year
New friends
New confidence
Same financial problems
Same insecurities
Same bullshit deceiving others that I’m confident

October:
Forgiveness
Feels good
Freeing
I freed my monster
I forgave my father
Its been six years since he borrowed my innocence
I stole it right back
I forgave him
For the first time in six years I spoke to him without having a nightmare
I forgave me

November:
Thankful
Why you ask?
Because I’m supposed to be.
Because America says to be thankful
Thankful
Because after 3 months of planning, my love couldn’t make it
Thankful
Because America denied him a visa
Thankful
Because my mum called me crying that my dad is still populating the earth with women my age
Thankful
Because the only reasons my siblings are staying afloat is because I’m drowning myself in loans
Thankful
For a mother who won’t leave a dead beat father after almost 22 years
Thankful
That the distance is working its spectacular magic on my love
Thankful
That I’m stressing so much about everything, my grades suffer
Very fucking thankful America
Happy fucking thanksgiving

December:
In 15 days I shall go to sleep on December 31st
Wake up on January 1st hopeful
Wake up with hopes, dreams and expectations
unrivaled
Till the realization that a new year doesn’t mean a new life
hits me
Fireworks are just bright lights
In the sky
Not my life
My life will still be dark
Fuck me

-Vanity

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*No words here*

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