I’m staring at my computer, not knowing what to type but in the end something must come out.
2015 isn’t exactly a year I looked forward to. Starting this year, I didn’t make any resolutions, I just wanted to go with the flow. This year has been full of lessons, most of them quite hard. I’ve believed and disbelieved, cried and laughed. Now I’m beginning to sound over-serious, lol! They’ve always said that actions have consequences; I didn’t understand it very much until this year. You see, I’m naturally a very irresponsible person. I didn’t think much of it until it started to take its toll on my life.
This year was the last chance I had to make a first class and I blew it. I played around, missed lectures and assignments, failed tests and ultimately bombed the exams. I don’t know what I expected but I was devastated when I saw my first semester results. I came to understand that the line between sanity and insanity, suicide and joie de vivre, cardiac arrest and cardiac ‘release’ can be something as fickle as an E in final year. Hope can be a fleeting thing. I was angry, at myself, at God, at everything.
This year I fought wars, tribalism wars. I come from a very traditional family and that realisation would tell normal daughters to park well. But no, my immediate elder sisters (who are twins) just had to fall in love with men from other tribes. When caught in a cross fire between your mother and your sisters, you begin to envy humpty dumpty. I cried, my sisters cried, my mother cried. It broke my heart to see how a beautiful thing like marriage could cause so much pain. That war ended in June when both girls got married the same day. It was magical!
This year I learnt to forgive. How do you forgive someone who has not stopped hurting you? I learnt that for my sanity’s sake, I had to forgive my dad. For not being the god I thought he was. For letting me see how overly human and weak he is. I had to forgive him because I think my mother already knows the truth and has made her peace and even if she doesn’t, I don’t want to live with the memory of the look on her face as I tell her that her husband is cheating on her.
I forgave myself for letting myself and my family down because I may not make a first class. I try to look on the bright side that I’ll never have to consider lecturing as an option because it won’t be handed to me on a platter, but who am I kidding?
This year I became a member of Blogsville. I subscribed to www.stories.ng, naija husband and followed Bellanaija until Atoke broke my heart and ended her Monday Morning Banter. I even subscribed to that fair lady’s Vlog. I know, I’m ashamed of me too, but she is very hilarious (even though we have different perceptions of life). I conquered my fears and started blogging as well, but that’s as far as I got. I haven’t been able to tell anyone the name of the blog and I’ve abandoned it for months now.
This year I learnt to trust God totally. You see, up until final year I was the regular exam hustler. This year I made a big decision to not ask and to not tell during exams, to have integrity with God and to trust him to perform his word. I admit it hasn’t been a walk in the park, but what’s grace if we can’t use it? My project was cancelled and I have until the end of November to write five chapters of a new project if I must graduate but I’m not scared, I’m confident that everything is working out.
Next year, I’ll be an aunt to at least three babies. Next year I’ll be wearing Khaki and those awkward orange boots in Lagos (I’m obsessed with Lagos state).
Next year is beautiful. Next year is the new word for endless possibilities.
I thank God for the prayers he answered. Sometimes when we ask God for bubble gum, we expect Orbit or Mentos but he may just end up giving us Agbalumo because unlike us, He knows our teeth can’t stand any more sugar.
To responsibility, accountability, hardwork and success…*clinks imaginary glass*
And at times we aren’t patient enough to chew the Agbalumo till it forms chewing gum right? Haha what an analogy!
How did your project go in the end please? And you have to tell us the name of your blog or else we will find it and expose it to everybody here.