I could pretty much sum up my year in one word: RELATIONSHIP. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s beyond what you’re thinking even now. My year revolved around one person and my relationship with Him; God. Sound cliche? It doesn’t feel so. I ended last knowing that 2012 wasn’t going to be an easy year (and boy, was I right!). I felt that I’d mentally prepared myself for it. Telling myself, we’ll weather the weather; we’ll do just fine. Then I started this year coasting. Waiting to close one chapter and begin another. Waiting for things to work themselves out. Feeling jaded and bored with the way things were. I knew what I wanted but I wasn’t ready to commit to making it work. I thought I was, but looking back now, I wasn’t.
A few months into the year, I began having an early mid-life crisis. I started asking myself the hard questions. I just wasn’t satisfied with the way things were going and I desperately needed a change. I didn’t understand myself anymore and began to wonder if I ever did. So I embarked on a voyage of self-discovery and right there in the middle of my journey, I found God. Born into a Christian home and spending most of your life in church, it’s easy to assume you know God. I mean I’d been studying the Bible for years and I had a working relationship with Him, albeit distant, but this was different. In wanting to know myself, I’d found someone else. Then I held on. I honestly do not even know how it happened or what changed, but somehow I’d come home. This was different, this encounter. I felt at peace – that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ and so fearing nothing from God but being content with its earthly lot, of whatever sort that is– more than I’d ever been.
In my happy place, I just wanted to get lost in Him and in the warmth of His embrace. The more I sought to know Him, the better I understood myself. I started a blog (a new one) to chronicle my journey. The future didn’t seem so bleak anymore. Everything was working out just fine. New job, no distractions, meeting new people, experiencing new things, making plans for the future, building bridges. Blessings money cannot buy. Relationships that changed my life and way of thinking. Around came my birthday.. I turned twenty five. Milestone age, I thought. I looked in the mirror, and I’d grown! In more ways than I can count, I’d grown. I was learning and growing more in seven months than I had in the last five years put together. I was thinking differently, setting priorities, taking care of myself, living healthy, loving my family, preparing for the future, I finally had a plan. I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
I wish I could tell you that it was sunshine and rainbows from then on. I wish I could say our relationship was without moments of doubt. I wish I could say my life is now perfect, no worries, no fears. I wish I could say I haven’t thought of giving up. But I have. Oh, there were days I wanted to scream “sod it all!” There were times I went days without speaking to Him. We have had our fights. We have had our disagreements. It’s all part of the process… No relationship is perfect. Ours isn’t. I still fail Him sometimes, I fall. I still question His instructions. But we’ve come a long way. He isn’t just my savior anymore… He’s my Father, Friend and Lover! Each day, I’m reminded that I’m human and that’s okay. I’m a work in progress. The last few months of the year have been the hardest, but they’ve also been the best. Learning, loving, living: every breath is a story.
2012: Many of the things I thought would happen this year didn’t. I was faced with a lot of disappointments. And my faith went through a lot of tests. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for. So much to be grateful for, it’s amazing. The good and the bad. I have a list… It’s quite long. But what I’m most grateful for this year is HIM. The most valuable lesson I learned this year is that God loves me. That’s it, no strings, no conditions, regardless of what I do or how I feel, He loves me. I’m thankful that He found me and loved me, even when I didn’t love myself. He’s loved me enough for both of us. And yes I still have doubts but with all sincerity I can say, “Lord, I believe. Help me with my doubts”. So I can come up with a list of one-words to sum up my year : Learning. Growth. Discovery. Blessings…. The perfect one would be RELATIONSHIP. My year revolved around one person and my relationship with Him; God. Sound cliché? It doesn’t feel so.
I don’t regret choosing You and I’m not ashamed that it’s You who holds my heart
To put Kovie in perspective, I’d have to tell you we both started this blog 19th Street over a year ago. Her grammar discipline was so terrible getting her to even send me a piece to edit was a struggle. I encouraged her to Co-author here with me while she developed the discipline to strike out on her own like the great writer she is. Now I have been sacked as her editor. Check out her personal blog the Future New Yorker here.
Kovie is also my soul sister. Today is Christmas and she was led to write about the most important thing to anyone in life: A personal relationship with God. There’s nothing cliché about asking you to request Jesus to make Himself personally known to you. Ask for forgiveness for saying no to His will all this time. He loves you and longs to catch you in His loving arms.
Merry Christmas to you and all yours.