2015 started with so much promise. I told myself I was going to beat the depression that had refused to leave me since 2013. I prayed on New Year’s Eve. I wanted to start going out. I wanted to start hanging out with my friends again… story. I didn’t get a job I really wanted and that’s where it started. Again. I became worse that I was. Nobody understood me. I didn’t understand myself. I had two epic fights with my mom and my sister. I got kicked out of her house and even though we are okay now it’s like… I don’t know. I traveled to the village and I didn’t want to come back to real life. My house seemed toxic and I wanted to wake up and walk to the river in the village everyday and just watch it flow. There was this incredibly sad cloud hanging over me and I took it everywhere I went. I became mean. I said things to people in the name of being blunt and being honest. I lost a lot of friends and some I may have lost forever. I hated everything. My mother said she hated me many, many times… my attitude was smelling but I felt like hey, I’m just by myself doing my own thing, why won’t you just leave me be? One of my friends came to see me from Port Harcourt. And she told me it was my fault and not my fault that I was unhappy. She said it not my fault 2013 happened but that I ran away from God when I needed him most. I had stopped going to church and I had started thinking I could just be alive like that without God. I laughed it off but it was true. I was slowly removing God from my life or trying to anyway, because, the first time in two years that I knelt down to pray, I felt him so close, like it was a sensation all over me that brought tears and peace. He never left. I discovered that I might have difficulty getting pregnant when I am ready because of how my cycles work or something…the doctor said it like it was not a big deal, but how is that not a big deal? I have left that one to God sha. Worrying will do nothing for me now. I lost a lot this year but I have learnt so, so much. All my priorities, things I thought were important, have changed so much. I don’t even know this new me but I am much more comfortable with who I am becoming. I have dropped that cloud. I have made new friends, new plans…I know 2016 will be an amazing year. And I know that no matter what, I have to carry God everywhere I go.
—The lowest point in your life is not the best place to drop your bags and make a home.